the madness

when things drive you mad you hold on perhaps this is the last thing I will teach them last thing of what they really are and what their intelligence level is sometimes things have to go the way that you do not wish but it is always what you expected my last final hours may teach more that what I told them of what they really are sometimes it is the best sacrifices have to be made and if I am to be it let it be. let it consume me and they will see the truth of what they really are.

but my child my dear child I will never be there when you need me I am sorry I know one day you will curse me as I did to my parents I am well aware of that but it is something I have to do hope you will be well if by chance you found your gift leave this country forever because the curse that I am going to put on it even you will not escape.

every one has there part to play this is mine and I will play it well and if I am to bring their doom so be it. so I shall do what require of me.

if I had the ability to know what others think I would have marry years before I would have children that do O/L by now people hide me things and think I can find them out but how can I know some thing that they are hiding to me. some times I get a odd feeling but that is it. I can't tell what they know or what they wont.

I am not responsible for what they put on them they can not point finger at me because I will act according to my reasoning not what I felt so my distinctions will hurt them yes but I cant help it since I could not do any thing until I get a better understanding of the situation. but if they hide it from me I could not do any thing but to do what I must to service witch means end of many things.

I have a feeling that they are playing with me if it is right. if any of them told me the truth then I wold have marry one of them. I she has confronted me and told me how she feel I would has said yes but till now they are playing with me and I do what is necessary to service and makes me angry if any day they confront me. I will make them pay for what they did.

if I have known I would have got married years before that is some thing they never understand

the feelings

pain always a welcome site it is good let you feel alive I have not bee living for long time now I feel it I almost forgot on what it is like and thank you for letting me know It always keeps me alive pain it do and when I'm in pain I think straight. understand many more that I normal do  like how meaningless things we do in life like how selfish the love is. every one says it means some thing but I am not sure what they mean all I see is illusion. a name that use to hide peoples desires what they really want I wonder. she really is something I wonder is this by purpose. is she really know what she is doing or how it ends. already beginning to see it as a mistake I should not have done it.

perhaps I might find some thing more more about her in waiting

I almost feel sorry for her because if I turn back I will never return  I am not that easily pervasive and my partitions are running low. yet some thing keeps me attached to her why I have no Idea I never been this emotional some thing I never felt never know I had it. it seems she is the only thing I feel but why? why do I not feel anything but her

when tsunami strict I laugh seen the devastation I never moved even by such devastation but she. she moves me. why

always never could understand them can't express my self the problem I have all my life did not know when to cry and when to laugh infarct I have laugh at things that I should have been crying some time I wonder am I faking them do I not feel anything at all.

perhaps some questions are best left unanswered I almost enjoy it now the pain it brings smiles to my face. so much that I even do not like to let it go wow.

It gives me time to think manage my strategies and helps me to control my daemons the one I was feared a lot. something I never seen after my child hood.

wonder is there a meaning to all of this perhaps when I done my time will come to leave which I gladly wait for.

relationship

I wonder this "what love is" for all my life I never have a girl friend and I never had need of one perhaps a friend one who stay and give me a shoulder when I needed. but such friends are harder to find and with the busy world it is becoming more and more harder every day.

what my life is a one with obsession I was obsessed with study. science to be more extract I need to learn nothing more that is what I did and I am happy with what I am what I become. no complex relations because they are the hardest. never do understand them all the nuts and bolts of them drives me mad that is why I choose to be with machines I understand them than humans. perhaps they make more sense too.

world what has become

Reality and fiction dreams you never know. when you dream it seems real but now I know that I was dreaming. Reality is far from what I believe and every day it makes me strong and once again I became the observer. it is a fine role, to see them in this shell. never I will do the mistake again for they are nothing to me and their lives will go untouched time will fly and I will perish and all be no longer. I did what I have to but they are not ready and never will be at least I may find my salvation.

when my time comes I know I have to leave. every move every thing make me closer to the truth. the truth of reality and I am beginning to wake up. they did this before but never have learned and never will some one needs me more than any one and I will be there beside who needs me the most. my mind is clear so as my heart. problems with me is I never have conflicts with them. what my mind says heart accepts. it is always best to put aside what you feel that is what I was doing for all my life.

when you live in the shadows of others for all your life time do what they want. you become use to it. I am very good at this. for all my life I know what I have to do. it is hard to be an example to people I have my ups and downs but. I am tired of been one. only thing I wanted is to be hidden. hidden from rest of the world. this attention is something I was never wanted. it disturbs me most, wish it would go. when my prayers been answered. my doom will come sooner than they expected. I will be happy so it all ends.

the observer that is what I am perhaps that is all I should have to be. what I learn will die with me for no one will have intellect and capacity to learn them. perhaps one day my child will learn them. I am not sure that I will there to teach her but, I know she will learn them because  looking in to her I see my self. and I wish she would not go through every thing that I have. at least she will have a future. not like me. I wish she go away. away from all of this to some where she belongs. some where that she will be able to work on her full potentials. if she got stuck here well she will become another one of them.

I really hate that. it is in her best interest that she would leave. find her life because this country do not have the facility or technology or knowledge to facilitate her.

this is 21st century and if you take a walk you will see that this country is at the 18 th century and some time lesser than that the concepts they hold the mindset they have things they value. it is like living in past. and as Charles Darvon says those that do not adept will perish form the world so those who are suited will  continue to live.

I want like it. it is a difficult path living in this country but my dear you have to pull it through sometimes you have to know the god fill your path with thorns  because at the end  you will be strong. I will be there as much as I can since you needed me the most. no one will need me more than you for you are me and I know how I felt.

it is like seen me from a mirror I know the truth now they are just has nothing to do with anything every time every move make me realize that all of them are selfish and none has any concern of me. and let me realize that truth we all only care for our selves and no more. it is human nature to do it.

no one loves any one than him or her self that is the truth and it is all greed. that is all it is. blinded by needs run and they name it many things. give them names to hide the reality in the atomic level   it is always about them selves

tell so much lies so much things and I listen since I know. I know that it is not what they mean even though they do not know it. every word that they tell has a hidden meaning. meaning that I am going to find out a meaning that they even do not know.

I was been observing them enough to know that none of them can be trusted. it is all gain for them. they will never do any thing jest for sake of doing it. they give 20 rupees for charity they think that 1000000 will be coming since it says it is a merit and when Buddhism says when you give some thing you get 100 times more greed that is what they have.

for all I have seen it is in their nature.

the mistry

future, is it real or do we make it while we live on. It is a fascinating thing many say about destiny but is it true.  lord Buddha say that he could look in to the future and past, can our mind see it. I am confuted about 6 months ago I saw a dream a roof tiles staked on in front of our house and some one has them put against the window of our room that is all I can remember of that dream. I know there ware more I saw but  could not remember. but a month before it happen we bought a roof tiles and stack it in front of the house and a some one have came at night and move them beside the window. the dream was look real and in morning I did check it actually to see do we have roof tiles in front of the house but they were not there that is when I realize it was a dream but now it came true. what dose this mean is future is written and we are just playing a role even we thing our decisions change future is it not. Is decisions that we make are meant to be in some plan that we may never know of. I am not a kind of person that believes but this incident what is it trying to tell me I am confused.

what it been

When I was born I was not good at study most of the time I got poor marks I’m not a good listener and Sinhala was the most challenging subject for me creativity is not within me and some thing was very wrong. I read questions but I could not make sense of them I knew the answers as I have study but could not understand the question so could not answer them.

Science and mathematics has become one of my passion and I was obsessed with it and kept on studding. Until I become very good at it. I was naturally gifted with mathematics since logic I handle well than the social skills so my easy writing remains very low and mathematics become so strong. Most of the time I fails when it come to creativity or simple understandings you have to tell me things precise or I never make since of them. With low social skills I did not socialize well. Which give me time to study and with my passion to science that is the only thing I learned it was the only thing I understand so I study it well. I got high marks for science and mathematics and low on all other subjects And social skills always make me got in to trouble since I was unable to talk my way out of situations.

Spending time with myself the Einstein Newton story of them they become me role models could  not socialites and did not understand what normal people do I laugh at them naturally I could not make sense of what they do

My friends were talking about girls and spending their time with them but only thing I ever talk with them is science and they jest told I was mad because it was not a normal thing to do but I could not understand because I did not know the normal.

Got though degree too but my results remain poor due to my lack of social skills I could not make sense of  something’s since they are not precise. And when going to job I fail since I have not any communication skills I could not express myself. had hard time understating and making sense of what they really want me to tell. And find myself hard positions at interviews

Get though lot of treatment to change myself have to work so hard to get in to this position got counselling and personality development since I could not make eye contact with people if some one ask me a question I always get excited could not answer since I did not know what they expect me to tell. it it goes every normal day today job was harder to me but things that require logic I handle such as programming and for next couple of years it will became my best friend. I study programming like crazy pushing my boundaries each day a new  challenge a new hard problem I takale them one by one and Visual Basic was my language of choice. I was very good at "C" I even score "A" at university but when it come to industry it is not good for commercial use to develop things like HR or Inventory Control systems. so Visual Basic it will be. spend lot of times in forums download other peoples cording and take them apart to understand how they did it.

there is nothing like self study it is something that Einstein did after collage he refer many physics books and it was there that he gain his knowledge about theoretical physics. well this period let me understand theories even I did not at universities. network which I never thought I understand. I was poor in my knowledge at SLIIT. I could not make sense of them and I failed again and again but never the less I had a chance to handle servers and in a position of server administration and so I learn and all that theories I never understand began to make sense I never were good at it but I was able to manage the servers.

it is ware I met my friend pamu who teach me something important not knowledge but how to gain it  he is the one who teach me how to use internet how to search for answers how to learn what you do not know and it helped me lot so I learn using the latest tools the internet and Youtube become the best tool since it gives me audio and visual representations.

I was in to studies like no one and it is part of me it is like eating and sleeping I could not know how I live without it.

the life

although I have many strength social skills are my only weakness it was hard. hard to understand had to do even a simple task of socializing never make much friends. always it was hard it is a very very hard thing when you could not sweet talk away from people and you get blame for things that you did not do and  you could not defend your self could not tell the person you love that you love her it is the life hardest life that I have to live. sometime I could not understand what they mean what they are trying to tell me I see things but could not act on them when I try I mess up my self good. it is the hard truth but I need to live with it even you may never now. I am bad on expressing my self I could not tell any one how I feel I'm terrible at socializing always end up in a fight.

weakness that is what they show me all my weakness the keep attaching  I left there helpless not able to do anything at now I know more about me more of my self they though me of all my weaknesses. best it now it is why I love machines more than them because machines I understand people always despoilment me. at lest I know now what I must do.

leave this place to find somewhere safe it not safe for me anymore so it is I shall leave but what they done to me it will remain with me forever and so I curse to them that one day they will end up with the same faith

something in side me tells me I felt what they do but cannot prove it and alway they hid but turth will come ti the face and one day they will not face it so I wait for that day which my instinct are proven right and day they face their doom.

so many thing I hid and they just let me out I need to leave it is the only option away from them before I heart my self more. I need to hide once more and that is what I do.

one day one day the god will look upon them and judge them the same as they did to me. I leave in grief that no man ever will find trusted.

it is what I am what I must what I will become

The Death Sweet death

From age of 14 when I begin to understand my life is a hell I began to pray to god “Dear god please end this life take this suffering out of me do not let me wake up next morning” I pray to him all my life but he never answer. Then I realize that there is no god. You are alone you have to fight your battles on your own even today I fight but grown old tired wait that one day my life will be ended and I will be free from all disappointment that is all I have. Now I wish I will be out of this miserable world more than ever but I can die peacefully thinking that I have achieve something I my voice has gone to the ear of some people and if they ever make a change to a better future then I can die thinking that I have done what I came for. I always wonder why I was here why he kept me alive even I ask him to take this burden away from me. But I have done my part he should do his and take me from this world. Death sweet Death I am tired need long rest if I only I could find the courage I world have end it years before but I never found that still never have. The pain it make us wiser it was the only thing that with me all the times I have begun to like it. It makes me strong my only friend only one that stay with me teach me many things life people all I understood them pain tech me a lot I never could Imagine how I ever will live without it So much things learn it almost teach me that everything is an illusion people who tell you that they love you people who tell you that they care it is a lie even they do not know they have only one purpose without me they cannot survive so the keep telling me and try to stop me. All a lie I may have done many stupid things but I’m that smart to understand it. None of them matter to me any more I know they left me behind when I need them. And they will do it again it is who they are I though at least one of them will understand me. But to my amusement none of them even have come to close of doing it. It is a shame I live all alone but pain as my friend and death as my wish. People should do things when the time is write I’m too old for many things to love to play to earn my time almost has come that I should be religious and think of my next life. This is good since I do not have any intention of living as death come closer more in peace I will be

what makes me happy

for all the things on this world learning new things was the only thing that makes me happy. the amount of happiness I gain after learning new things is undesirable the achievement I gain makes me so happy so it kept me going. soon it was the only thing I crave.

solving problems was one of my fashions I try hard on hard problem bang my head on stone wall until the wall breaks  and some times I have to do it for days finally the wall breaks and I got a solution it kept me going to try to solve more harder problems and harder the problem more I become happy when I solve it. it become a habit and  I make a hobby of it. learning new things and solving hard problems it make me lot happier people say banging your head on wall is not a good thing you will hart your self but sometime sometimes you were to get lucky and you will break the wall instead the amount you gain form that experience is indescribable so I did it to test my limits to test how much I could bare to test the extreme of my self   push the boundaries and limits to end to limitless end.

if i could read minds

if I could read minds I would have used it to pass exams I would read the minds of the people who inspecting the exam and will find answers better yet I will tap into the mind of the best student and read his answers
I will never let any one fool me when anyone lie I will say it to their face I will never have misjudge people and get in to wrong conclusions form my school to university to today I will never miss read people and think some thing else when they want to say something else specially at university It would have been a different ending but still people expected me to read minds and when I fail they accuse me of ignoring them I'm supersized to see people with degrees acting like a child it dose not matter if you have a degree, Master or PhD if you can understand simple things in life

Path of my Succsess

This is a story of a person, a person that should not reach where he is, a person who had nothing, and a person who was condemned by many. One who had not many friends a story of me.

Once up on a time I was lived as a normal child. A normal no it was not I had no friends not one I trusted going to school and coming to home is only my daily routine. Had a mother who is very strict she never let me out thinking it will spoil me. Few friends that I have are from school had no option except education. My mother was very strict and she expected more from me even more than I can bear. I try to impress her by only mean that I can education. I sturdy my entire life never played. My mother takes me out of the society when I was 14 after that I never went to play with any of the children’s of my age at my village.

Alone I grow up thinking education will solve all my problems. I was a shy boy could not speak with people. When I want to talk to someone I practice, memorize everything and do exactly as that. I could not make eye contact I was afraid of people. In exams I get excited I could not give my maximum to them because of that.

But I was one of the best students at the collage form Sri Darmaloka Primary I sat for grade 5 shishyathwa but I did not make it my marks was not enough for better school. So my mother send me to St’ Benedict Collage where I found a new environment all the things are alien to me it was a different world the St’ Benedict Collage I went to operate in English and with background of no English it make hard to survive.  I had friends who work as my translators when I went to office.

I was enrolled for year 8 3^rd semester it took lot of adjustments but my ability and craving for Science and mathematics come in place I study them very well. I was on to a surprise I got 100 marks for mathematics the entire section of the school was shocked  soon the teachers come and ask me by my name to see who this person is.

But I was only good at that science and mathematics, all others I was at the average ranging from 55 to 70 marks. I was never got good at them Sinhala and History is the worst of them. I could not remember them simply I could not make any sense of them. On the way I got some achievements a prize for Science at O/L and Prize for Chemistry at A/L for obtaining average more than 75 for all 3 terms and getting the highest marks at the section.

Pass the O/L not with good result 3 Distinctions and 5 Credits. And choose Mathematics as my subject stream because, I was not good at memorizing and concept of Commerce is not something I grasp easy A/L was not what I thought it would be. With no guidance and without knowing what I was getting into I just try to do best but A/L is a exam that require hard work and I never was able to do pass papers and we are without physics teacher for about a year and I choose my tuition classes poorly so end up getting  1B 2C and 1S actually when I wrote my first paper I thought I would fail I came home and told my mother I will fail and could not continue facing the exam she make up my mind and convince no matter what happened that I have to write all the subjects.

I was selected for university of Kelaniya got selected for Statistics & Computer Science, Pure Mathematics and Chemistry. It was credit base so we have bunch of optional subjects to do to complete the credit. At the second year all my friends try to find another course they want to do and my friend Duncan told me that if we are to find a job this is not enough.

One of the Duncan’s roommates was doing SLIIT and he told us it was a good course higher diploma and they are trying to make it a degree program. And I found out about NIIT and Indian Institute which gives a Higher Diploma but they says that they will give 100% job guarantee we face the both tests and at the end Duncan says that degree is better than Higher Diploma so we should consider SLIIT so we register for SLIIT part time. 5 days of work form 8 AM to 4 PM and two weekends with 8 AM to 8 PM every week we got 5 tutorials from SLIIT and 2 or 3 form University of Kalaniya. Which we require to submit also there  are one midterm test and a term test at SLIIT and a Team test at University of Kelaniya making it all together a 6 test for a year.

In university I fell in love with a girl someone I though special I was weak on making personal connections I could not walk to her. could not make my mind up to tell her how I felt. I watch her from a distance she did notice me. but I was too afraid to make a move. never could tell her how I felt. I was a wreck. with my education on one side I could not loose it, I have to make a decision. so one day I followed her to the library and tell her how I felt. her reply was not what I expected she said "It will not work". I was shocked I move away my education is too much value for me to loose. I can't let this thing distract me but I could not make my mind I told many of my friends that I will not get married. 

I already had made up my mind my goal was always to be a scientist I wanted to work on a lab doing experiments. I want a bed that attached to a lab and a life of research even at my school I have told this to my friends they though I was mad. I have to live with my feelings it is hard but I turn to the education once more. hopping one day she will change her mind. 

then I found her walking with a boy my friends told me that they were in love. he was on my batch doing a special degree. I was at disadvantage found out that he was nice. I was a person who has trouble taking care of my self. even if she comes with me how am I going to take care of her. the truth came to my mind so it is for the best of her she stays with her new love.

I let this pass by me focus on my education I can't loose it at the end of the 3 years I did not went to going down at university. I told my friend that I could not see them together and I could not come. life goes on sacrifices have to be made I did the best what I thought the best.

Many will though I will fail since I was not a social person and many wanted me to fail since they do not like I will surpass their children’s. so I was on pressure even then some rumors was spread that I was not selected for university and doing an external degree instead and many has told me I will not get married and even if I did it will break in weeks. It was hard when people throw rocks at you but I learn to live with it.

It was hard I rarely meet my friends some of them even leave me telling I never even visit them. I did get through with the degree programs even though some SLIIT lectures told me that it is very hard work and with SLIIT you will never be able to do anything else. Went to find a job and find out I did not possess the right attitude. I was not a social person and had hard time expressing myself could not make eye contact and did not know what to tell when they ask questions. I had a personality problem and I found out it in the hard way. And they want people who are dynamic, social, a team player and one with some experience.

With just out Form University I had none no experience not social and could not express myself I hated it so I know what others that not get a job feels but my path is differs from theirs because I did not blame them telling that they hire people for money. I understand my weakness and try to improve them.

Took few physiological courses among them there is one from Dr. Kuma Iddamalena which he told me it is ok to be afraid but you have to try them any way and one day you will improve and with the training I got from him I lost stage fear and get into a position that I will be able to work on my one.

I always got a liking to programming ever since I was introduced to it. So I code whenever I got a chance search for solutions and try to solve problems on my own. Most of the times I will think of an imaginary project and try to implement it form a language I was comfortable with, mostly it was Visual Basic 6.0 and I got very good at it. “C” language that I was taught during my study at University of Kalaniya helps me learning the language Basics for programming.

In SLIIT I found a new environment lectures are very hard specialty when you do two degrees but we had the best lectures at that time. the content was good and I learned a lot network was my weakest so has hardware I was not good at it. network concepts I could not grasp it making me fail the subject over and over but I got though for second year group project I got an "A" it was an inventory control system for browns group.

At there I found my old lost friend Dishan with some interesting people if he had staid with that group he would been in a different ending I also make a friend ship with Gaya a police officer who works in under cover. I was good at education but too much work sometimes I did not stay at the lectures it is very hard on my head specially content of two degrees and a broken hart. feather more my friends expected me to teach them I have to study and teach them everything. I got this amazing gift that I could look at a note one or two times and had the ability to understand it. so I was able to take the Duncan's notes and read them and explain them what it says and with combine effort we were getting through.

On the way one of my friends at the bank got a project it was for their new signature Identification they wanted to make a new software and move from the book they are using it is a project that goes to 400 banks worldwide and there are restrictions since banks never let them install any software it have to run on CD and online is not an option since many rural banks at that time did not had internet facility the banks IT department has told the management that it was not in their scope to do the project and need to be out sourced and budget it for Rs. 1 Million my friend agreed to do it for free and ask me for help with great effort  we manage to crack the problem and develop nice Visual Basic 6.0 solution. 

we stay at my friends places study  almost every day SLIIT has 3 1/2 month semester two exams 5 subjects so we have about 1 1/2 month of study and also in next 1 1/2 month we have to face the exam of University of Kelaniya another 5 subjects. so in every 1 1/2 months we had to face an exam.

I was addicted to cording and at the exam I got an “A” which gives me an Understanding of the basic of programming and with the advance techniques & Technology  I learn from SLIIT I was able to crack many hard problems, Making my way to the top of the Software Engineering. In the end I was able to adjust to anything change at will  adjust my personality any way I need every achievement had to be done by a great sacrifice I have to sacrifice a lot to get here my child hood all my youth had to lose many friends and lots of years from my life time. 

the life

I try my best to explain but she has no seance of reality I am going to leave her that's all  no need to know some thing that is not real. I always drive by negative energy I feel strong in them sadness anger and every thing that is bad makes me strong a dark child living in me and she is going to bring the monster out of me one day I took 7 pills of panadol did not kill me but I learn that if I'm to continue with this it will ruin my self so I leave her she is a mistake a sweet mistake that I am done in past I am done with it with her 38 years old too old for many things like love I do not need her anymore she got to go that's all.