the feelings

pain always a welcome site it is good let you feel alive I have not bee living for long time now I feel it I almost forgot on what it is like and thank you for letting me know It always keeps me alive pain it do and when I'm in pain I think straight. understand many more that I normal do  like how meaningless things we do in life like how selfish the love is. every one says it means some thing but I am not sure what they mean all I see is illusion. a name that use to hide peoples desires what they really want I wonder. she really is something I wonder is this by purpose. is she really know what she is doing or how it ends. already beginning to see it as a mistake I should not have done it.

perhaps I might find some thing more more about her in waiting

I almost feel sorry for her because if I turn back I will never return  I am not that easily pervasive and my partitions are running low. yet some thing keeps me attached to her why I have no Idea I never been this emotional some thing I never felt never know I had it. it seems she is the only thing I feel but why? why do I not feel anything but her

when tsunami strict I laugh seen the devastation I never moved even by such devastation but she. she moves me. why

always never could understand them can't express my self the problem I have all my life did not know when to cry and when to laugh infarct I have laugh at things that I should have been crying some time I wonder am I faking them do I not feel anything at all.

perhaps some questions are best left unanswered I almost enjoy it now the pain it brings smiles to my face. so much that I even do not like to let it go wow.

It gives me time to think manage my strategies and helps me to control my daemons the one I was feared a lot. something I never seen after my child hood.

wonder is there a meaning to all of this perhaps when I done my time will come to leave which I gladly wait for.

relationship

I wonder this "what love is" for all my life I never have a girl friend and I never had need of one perhaps a friend one who stay and give me a shoulder when I needed. but such friends are harder to find and with the busy world it is becoming more and more harder every day.

what my life is a one with obsession I was obsessed with study. science to be more extract I need to learn nothing more that is what I did and I am happy with what I am what I become. no complex relations because they are the hardest. never do understand them all the nuts and bolts of them drives me mad that is why I choose to be with machines I understand them than humans. perhaps they make more sense too.

world what has become

Reality and fiction dreams you never know. when you dream it seems real but now I know that I was dreaming. Reality is far from what I believe and every day it makes me strong and once again I became the observer. it is a fine role, to see them in this shell. never I will do the mistake again for they are nothing to me and their lives will go untouched time will fly and I will perish and all be no longer. I did what I have to but they are not ready and never will be at least I may find my salvation.

when my time comes I know I have to leave. every move every thing make me closer to the truth. the truth of reality and I am beginning to wake up. they did this before but never have learned and never will some one needs me more than any one and I will be there beside who needs me the most. my mind is clear so as my heart. problems with me is I never have conflicts with them. what my mind says heart accepts. it is always best to put aside what you feel that is what I was doing for all my life.

when you live in the shadows of others for all your life time do what they want. you become use to it. I am very good at this. for all my life I know what I have to do. it is hard to be an example to people I have my ups and downs but. I am tired of been one. only thing I wanted is to be hidden. hidden from rest of the world. this attention is something I was never wanted. it disturbs me most, wish it would go. when my prayers been answered. my doom will come sooner than they expected. I will be happy so it all ends.

the observer that is what I am perhaps that is all I should have to be. what I learn will die with me for no one will have intellect and capacity to learn them. perhaps one day my child will learn them. I am not sure that I will there to teach her but, I know she will learn them because  looking in to her I see my self. and I wish she would not go through every thing that I have. at least she will have a future. not like me. I wish she go away. away from all of this to some where she belongs. some where that she will be able to work on her full potentials. if she got stuck here well she will become another one of them.

I really hate that. it is in her best interest that she would leave. find her life because this country do not have the facility or technology or knowledge to facilitate her.

this is 21st century and if you take a walk you will see that this country is at the 18 th century and some time lesser than that the concepts they hold the mindset they have things they value. it is like living in past. and as Charles Darvon says those that do not adept will perish form the world so those who are suited will  continue to live.

I want like it. it is a difficult path living in this country but my dear you have to pull it through sometimes you have to know the god fill your path with thorns  because at the end  you will be strong. I will be there as much as I can since you needed me the most. no one will need me more than you for you are me and I know how I felt.

it is like seen me from a mirror I know the truth now they are just has nothing to do with anything every time every move make me realize that all of them are selfish and none has any concern of me. and let me realize that truth we all only care for our selves and no more. it is human nature to do it.

no one loves any one than him or her self that is the truth and it is all greed. that is all it is. blinded by needs run and they name it many things. give them names to hide the reality in the atomic level   it is always about them selves

tell so much lies so much things and I listen since I know. I know that it is not what they mean even though they do not know it. every word that they tell has a hidden meaning. meaning that I am going to find out a meaning that they even do not know.

I was been observing them enough to know that none of them can be trusted. it is all gain for them. they will never do any thing jest for sake of doing it. they give 20 rupees for charity they think that 1000000 will be coming since it says it is a merit and when Buddhism says when you give some thing you get 100 times more greed that is what they have.

for all I have seen it is in their nature.